And then there is fear.

A disturbing part of doing time with a family member is that there is fear involved. The person you love is locked up with some very dangerous individuals, even if he or she is not particularly dangerous at this time. To some, my David would seem dangerous. His conviction is for multiple armed robberies, and it doesn't matter that he did not use a real weapon. He intimidated his victims with the threat of one. They were undoubtedly terrified. So now he lives with men who have used all manner of force to get by in life. That reality terrifies me, and so I avoid watching most movies and tv shows about prison life. Recently, though, I saw a series that was shot at Holman in Alabama, and I found it more like what I have seen than some of the very dramatic depictions of incarceration that are out there. The reality though is that my son lives with more-than-average danger every day and night.

This week's local news brings that reality to the forefront of my brain. There are two terrible stories of criminal behavior. One concerns the rape and murder of a 78-year-old woman, so goodhearted she was known as "The Angel Lady." The young local man who killed her has pleaded guilty and will likely spend the rest of his life in some prison. The very fact that a human being can behave in such a bestial way is very upsetting. That a human being with such capability might share a dorm or a cell or a shower or a toilet with my son is beyond anything I want to contemplate.

The other terrible story is that of a man who was already incarcerated in a medium-security prison, as David's is, and who apparently couldn't take it any more and so victimized a female prison employee for hours, raping her at least three times. He says he was hoping that the guards would kill him. "Suicide by cop." Never mind the negligence of the prison for allowing her to be in a positon where an inmate could find her alone or where an inmate, like my son, would be trusted as this man was, the man himself took the action.

Who of the men living with David might take similar action today? My hand is over my mouth to stifle my scream. And yet I know, and have said here, that nothing in life is guaranteed. That's the terror of violent crime: you usually can't see it coming, and while we know it's out there, we aren't ever ready for just how bad things might get. Father, take this cup from me and bring me thoughts of a sunny day. Fear and faith cannot live in the same space.