"Hon"

Finally success in the reservation department. Yesterday I got through on my first try just after 10 a.m. And I got two all-days together. I'm not sure how to feel about the fact that the Visiting Officer who answered the phone obviously recognized me. She even called me "hon," as in "You're coming from South Carolina, aren't you, hon?" But this is part of my journey: to learn to look at my life as it is not as it started out to be.

In the many Al-Anon and Nar-Anon and Families Anonymous meetings where I have tried to rearrange myself into an accepting and serene person, I have learned that "The Dream" is the hardest thing to give up on. I fought it every step. And finally I came to the understanding that substance abuse by other people is a reality in my life and that I chose it. At some level I always knew that David's father was a reckless person and that he drank too much. He was a poor choice to be my children's father. I was too young and naive and, yes, prideful, to face what I was doing. My father didn't speak to me for months after I said I wanted to get married. I was just twenty then. He said, "A million bucks worth of brains down the drain," and then went silent.

I've had plenty of time to ruminate on all this, and to learn not to judge, not to blame but instead to pray for acceptance and humility. I've also learned to look for the lessons in life. So it's fine that they know me at the prison, and it's even better that there is mutual respect between me and the prison staff. I know their jobs are not anyone's dream either.

Two days to be with my son. Yes!